The "Not So Distant" Past

I'm not too sure of what I want to say here. I just finished watching a movie that I loved (or at least I remember loving) when I was a child. Watching the movie gave me insight as to why I like my relationship to be warm and sappy. I guess I've always wanted this kind of warm and sappy love; the kind that always ends in an happily-ever-after. So I guess the rambling comes in when I think about growing up and my future.

I... I know that a part of growing up is moving on from your past and beginning to look towards your future. However, I always find myself looking to the past for moments of joy and happiness. Does that mean that I don't find joy and happiness here and now? Possibly. But if not that, then what? Why do I always look back for happiness? Or maybe it's not the past itself, but the emotions associated with those past events. Or maybe it's a little deeper than that. Maybe I've been looking for identity. The saying goes "If you don't know where you've come from, you won't know where you're going". I guess that's a lot truer than I thought. So I might be looking to the past for some glimpse into who I really am. However, God wants to take who I am now and make me into who He wants me to be. So my past isn't really all that important.

I guess a good word to describe my past searchings is closure. I want to know anything about my past that will give me peace in my present. Without closure in a relationship, a part of you always holds on, especially if you were the one who was hurt the most. Similarly, I want some closure with my past so I can finally let go. I really want to move on with my life; to start looking at bigger and better things (whatever that means). I guess my "not so distant" past keeps me from moving on. "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." I'm not ready to put away my childish things. They are my oasis when I feel lonely. They are company in the midst of a crowd. They are my lullaby, my pastime, and my friend.

When will I grow up? And when will I let go of my past? Idk

New Horizons

The future is a scary place, you know. There are lots and lots of people you'll meet and places you'll go that you don't even know of yet. You will learn new things and do new things. So I wonder why it is that we humans try so hard to shape something we can't see. We don't know what tomorrow holds. But we have it made up in our minds that if we make the right choices today, then we will be able to create our future. Well what happens when life throws you a curve ball? What happens when something outside of your plan for your future happens?

That's is why I believe the best place to stress is in the moment. You can have complete control to do whatever you want with your moment. When you are living in your moment, you can FEEL it. You are taking advantage of every second, doing something you've always wanted because you know the next second is promised to you. You make sure that the decision you make in that second is the right one because it's right for your moment.

Now some may say that this is a naive way to live. They say that if you ignore your sea of possibilities for your future, you won't be ready for the real world. I say that if you are faithful with your present, then you will be prepared for your future. Let's rephrase that: If I live right in my moment, I am preparing myself for my future. (I like that!)

So let's apply this to my spiritual life. I am not capable of doing anything positive unless God gives me the strength and the know-how. However, I constantly say to myself "I will wait until I have the right resources to do right for/by/to people." With this mindset, I am constantly looking to the future to see what good thing I can do. However, following the course of thought stated above, if I do right for/by/to people now, in my present, then I will be preparing myself to do good for others in the future. So howabout we start that good work today?